you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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