we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
