just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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