After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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