guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
