God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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