it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
