let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
