so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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