Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
