I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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