I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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