no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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