tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
