I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
