I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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