So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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