I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
