John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
