Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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