The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
