I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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