Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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