today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We have started to decorate penises.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
