the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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