He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
