hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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