i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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