Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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