I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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