I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
