I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
