Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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