I think scott just propositioned me for sex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
