I think my vagina is haunted
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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