I'm going to jail i love you
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
