I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
