Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
