just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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