Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize