Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
