i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
