My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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