Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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