i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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