my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
