he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
