i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize