Can i not drive my cunt home
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
