We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
