vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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