They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
