sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
