I got chris browned last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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