i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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