I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
