my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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