When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
