he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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