Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
