just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
you inspire me to be a worse person
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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