So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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