remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
