just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
