Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
