Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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