Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
