***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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