well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
