I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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