the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize