You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
